The Archbishop of Twang Band Bio.
(In the Form of a Children's Story)

Dirk A. Keaton a.k.a. "The Archbishop of Twang" was once just a humble singer/songwriter, 'till 'bout a year ago when his friend, Mike Fiori, wanted to play Jews Harp. "I want to play Jew's Harp," he said. "I have a Jew's Harp I don't play any more," Dirk said, "You can play my Jew's Harp." And so he did. Dirk had a harmonica, Fiori had a Jew's harp, and they had one song, but it was a good song, "Dyslexic Chowder." Together, they were The Big Texas Workingman's String and Jug Orchesta. They may have only had one song, but they played it a lot (Mostly in the commons to people they knew). The band broke up, had a brief reunion, then broke up again.

During the summer, Dirk studdied classical guitar, and Fiori did, well, we don't know what Fiori did. During the summer, Dirk wrote a song, "Lady in a Wheelchair Riding in the Street Against the Flow of Traffic." He wrote it because he saw a lady in a wheelchair riding in the street against the flow of traffic and thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be great if I wrote a song about a lady in a wheelchair riding in the street against the flow of traffic," and, so, he wrote, "Lady in a Wheelchair Riding in the Street Against the Flow of Traffic." Then, Dirk wrote another song. He was riding on his bicycle, listening to the Velvet Underground when he thought, "I will write another song." He did and it was called, "Sharin' a Cab with God," a song about a guy who shares a cab with God.

Then, somebody wanted to have A Battle of the Bands. "Let's have a Battle of the Bands," somebody said. Dirk thought, "Gee, I write songs. I'll be in the battle of the bands," and so he entered as The Archbishop of Twang (His solo name), then, Fiori wanted to play with Dirk again. He said, "I want to play with you again." Dirk wanted to play with Fiori again, so he said, "I want to play with you again, too." Dirk went to sign them up as, "The Big Texas Workingman's String and Jug Orchestra," but OH NO! He signed in pen. So, he signed up as "Archbishop of Twang Featuring the Big Texas Workingman's String and Jug Orchestra." Then, something special happened. Brian Gonynor's band didn't go to the meeting because they were being naughty and IMing each other. They couldn't play the show and Gonynor was sad, "I'm sad," he said in a very Bostonian way. Dirk realized something, Gonynor could play guitar well. He thought to himself, "Gee, I can't play guitar well. Gonynor can play guitar well. Maybe if I ask Gonynor, he will join our band." So Dirk asked Gonynor, "Will you join my band?" Gonynor replied, "Yes, I will join your band." "Hoooray," said Dirk" "Hoooray," said Gonynor. "Now I need to write songs," Dirk said. And he did write songs. Then, he practiced with the band, and they wrote more songs. "These songs are good," they all said. Then they began to practice, and practice, and practice some more. Then the big show came and everybody loved them, they gave them the pineapple because they thought they were the best band. Then Fiori said, "I am leaving the band," took and ate the pineapple.

Dirk and Gonynor were sad, but Dirk said, "Don't worry. We'll be a band, like Page and Plant." And so they were, then, they got Dom, their supposedly Italian roadie, and said, "Dom. We lost the other guy who claims to be Italian, will you join the band." Dom said, "Sure, I will join the band." Now, they are a new band Last of the Southern Dandies featuring the Archbishop of Twang. They play some old songs, and some news songs, and they're all funny. So, if you want to hear some songs, hear ours, please.

Individual Bio's (Not at all like childrens' stories), below:

Archbishop of Twang and the Last of the Southern Dandies

Dirk A. Keaton Lead Vocals, Guitar, Egg Shaker, Uke, a Bit of Organ, hopefully, Some Accordian, and a Smattering of Harmonica

Dirk can't sing, Dirk can't play guitar, Dirk can't write songs that make sense, but for some reason or another, he's the lifeblood of archbishop. This "Man for No Seasons" may not ever be able to play or sing acceptably, but his constant flirtations with madness give Archbishop the unique musical voice that make millions want to stand up and say "What the hell?" Don't worry, we don't know what he's saying either, but that sure doesn't stop him from saying it.

Brian Gonynor The Lion's Share of the Guitar

A thousand titles could be heaped onto Gonynor, but we prefer to call him "The Guy With Talent." In a band whose motto is "passion/skill," Gonynor defies the rules and proves that you don't have to be in a serious rock band to play serious rock guitar. While, on the surface, Gonyonr appears to merely cop the licks of Page, Beck, and the other 60's greats, he assures me that he cops any and all licks without discrimination. Gonynor and Dirk are constantly playing shows together, anywhere an everywhere. Chances are, if you see the two of them together, and there's a guitar around, you have just, unwittingly stumbled onto an Archbishop concert.

Dom DeRiso Roadie, Recorder

Dom joined the band as a humble roadie because "he didn't want to pay for the ticket," but we soon saw how his diverse talents and giant foam hat radically changed the band and the face of rock music as a whole. While he has not yet been fully integrated into the band, he has been known to play with us on several occasions (Most notably, his wicked recorder on Party Hat).

...and Sarong Nation

Daren Carter Guitar and Some Lead, but Generally, More Harmony Vocals

If Archbishop is destined to become a footnote in rock history, Sarong Nation is destined to become a footnote in the book the footnote references. While the origonal Archbishop bands are about songwriting, Sarong nation is about improvisation. While it's more than true that Darren will never venture far beyond his precious bass strings, their "random ballads" to people they don't know and Daren's porn songs more than make up for their respective lack of talent (Plus keep them from memorizing a repitoire). The highlight of their partnership was their two-day ballad fest at the International Thespian Festival.

Chris DeWitt Bass Guitar, Trumpet, Double Bass, Drums, Organ
Sweet DeWeet is a man of many talents. While it's true that he can play more real instruments properly than any of the other band members, he has the amazing ability to get tracks that contain instruments other than his staple (electric bass) dumped. Catch him playing some heavy bass on "I Own Kurt Cobain" and bass and trumpet on "Train Song."

Former Members

Mike Fiori Jew's Harp, Duck Call, Chopsticks, Spoons, Slide Whistle, Plastic Flute, Kazoo, and Vocals on One Song
While Mike Fiori is no longer in the band, he is noted for helping establish the "Electric Jug" sound of the The Big Texas Workingman's String and Jug Orchestra (And more, importantly, providing a place to reherse). While Archbishop's sound has gotten, admitantly, more rock-influenced since his departure, their strong perference towards noise and other, completely unmusical things. The last time he performed with us was at Dirk's graduation party, where he sang the Southern Culture on the Skids' classic "Camel Walk" to an enthusiastic crowd.